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Recall when you were four or five years old (for some of us a long, long time ago). Perhaps your aunt and uncle were visiting for the first time since you'd escaped diapers. And your mother or father was coaching you about the meeting: "Be sure to shake your Uncle Fred's hand.... Here, let me show you how .... When Uncle Fred asks you a question, you look him right in the eye when you answer.... And remember to smile at your Aunt Tilly..." We all experienced this early programming. Some of us were lucky enough to get it as up front coaching. Others received it as after-the-fact correction. And so it continued throughout our formative years. Training, correction and criticism from our parents, teachers and peers -- sometimes from complete strangers -- all about meeting and getting along with other human beings in myriad circumstances (dealing with relatives, the neighborhood bully, the new teacher, job interviews, dating, corporate schmoozing). All this aimed at educating us in the fine art of rapport. Rapport is like many executive "people" skills. Often cited as critical for just about any business endeavor. But just as often, relegated to the realm of "common sense" and therefore, never studied. Yet the more we learn about brain functions that actually control our behavior both on the job and off, the more you may want to learn about rapport. Especially if you want to gain an edge in any human interaction. There are actually two worlds of rapport. One we've heard about forever. It has to do with being cordial, acknowledging another's point of view, discovering and talking about common interests, issues and values. It exists at the conscious level of speaking and listening in conversational contexts. This world is within our control to the degree that we pay attention to it. However, there is another, more hidden and more powerful world of rapport. It is completely beyond the control of most people simply because they do not know that it exists. Yet, this world of rapport is like gravity. It is always exerting influence on our every activity. And just like gravity, if we violate it's laws we're going to fall down, sometimes very hard. This rapport begins with first impressions, and we have very little control of our first reactions to stimuli. Much of the first moment of potential rapport is "hard-wired" into our brains. There are very ancient structures in our gray matter that we share with lower life forms (call them "Critter Brains"). While called the "unconscious", they are the only parts of our brain that are never turned off. They constantly monitor our vital signs: heartbeat, breathing, temperature, blood pressure. The critter brain governs our basic actions of flight, fight, feeding and procreation. Fear is its doctrine and survival its only goal. Long ago, before we were even Homo sapiens, our critter brains made a profound discovery: "That, which is exactly like me, will not eat me." Things that look, act, sound and smell exactly like us will not usually attack and kill us. And although it's been a long time since we 've played claw and fang at the water hole, that critter brain is fully functioning. This part of our brain still dominates our first perceptions. An estimated 40-60% of our sensory nerve perceptions go through the ancient amygdala before they ever reach our frontal lobes and higher judgment functions. From the above, I have drawn this definition of hidden rapport: A sense of comfort and trust that comes from an unconscious recognition of sameness. The basic elements that our critter brains recognize for rapport are sounds (verbal expression), appearance (posture and facial expressions), and motions (gestures and body movement). In our meetings, if we adjust our voices, language, posture, gestures, and facial expressions to be somewhat like what we observe, we can be in rapport with anyone. On the other hand, if we are out of sync at this level, no amount of cordiality and similar interest content will overcome the discomfort and ensuing distrust. Remember a time when you were really upset (perhaps enraged) and expressing yourself and someone (probably Aunt Tilly) came up to you and slowly, softly said, "Now just calm down, RELAX, it will all be okay." Well, were you okay with that form of communication? Three major areas comprise the elements of rapport that we can use in our interactions. Without mimicking see if you can match your subject's physiology, vocal qualities, and choice of words. In physiology pay attention to general posture, weight placement, and weight shifts. Watch breathing rhythm, head position, nodding and gestures. Notice hands, their speed and how they mark out space. And don't forget facial expressions, their variety and intensity. Notice how you speak. Does the form match your subject's? Your volume, tempo (pace or speed of words), tone (general pitch and variation in pitch), rhythm (general pattern of pauses) and timbre (overall quality and intensity) should be congruent with the person you are speaking with. Finally, raise your level of awareness to include vocabulary. Words people use regularly to express their thoughts and values are very important to them. Use their words in your response to create and maintain rapport. One faulty rule of active listening is to feedback people's communication by restating in your own words (paraphrasing). However, if you deal with issues dear to the hearts and minds of your client or coworker, don't alter their words. There is another meaning for paraphrase; it's distort. I know the above is a lot to grapple with. But in the nanosecond speed of today's commerce, instant rapport is critical. Where every business strives for individualized customer focus, you can leap ahead just by making sure your clients trust you automatically (at a level below consciousness). And in the growing war for talented employees, you can avoid confrontation, quickly resolve conflict and build retention just by concentrating on the form as well as the content of your communication. As we step into our ultramodern millennium, we carry with us patterns of thinking and perception many millennia old -- a hidden world of rapport. Studying and mastering some of the forms of that critter brain rapport can make all the difference in communication. It just might be your executive edge. (NOTE: Allies Consulting offers a menu of programs that can help you become masterful at your performance skills, or your staff to do so. They will meet or exceed your expectations: they are designed to deliver real results. They also leverage our other programs, magnifying your ROI!)
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